Wesley Wyndham-Pryce stood to one side, a look of complete confusion and misery on his face. It was obvious the younger man was out of his element. Giles wondered if he, himself, had been that stiff and clueless. He had a horrible feeling the answer was yes. Just then, a besotted smile crossed the other Englishman’s lips. With a sigh, Giles moved forward. He really was going to have to do something with this foolish infatuation towards Cordelia. It would never do.
“Are you all finished for the day?”
Willow smiled at the librarian. “Yep. Just waiting for Buffy, then we’re off.”
“What will you do?”
Xander gathered his books. “Well, we have this really exiting evening planned. We thought we’d do something really different tonight and go to the Bronze.”
Giles smiled, as he was meant to. The Bronze was the only place in Sunnydale for the town’s youth to go. “I meant what were your plans before you went to the Bronze?”
“Plans?”
Willow caught on first “You mean like homework and stuff? Or did you want us to do some more research on the Mayor’s Ascension?”
A look of confusion, then almost sorrow crossed Giles’ face. “No. I just....” He paused, then seemed to shake himself. “Never mind. Go. Have fun.” They started gathering their things and moving off. “If - When you see Buffy, tell her to be careful tonight.”
Xander looked back at the hunched back of the erstwhile Watcher, then turned to his friends in confusion. Seeing no answer there, he shrugged. “Sure.” Giles had been acting strange all day. Kinda sad. Withdrawn. Maybe it was that time of the month for old guys, or something.
Cordelia paused, then turned to look at the two Englishmen. “Coming Wesley?”
The younger man jolted from his perusal of his predecessor. “Hmm? Oh yes. Of course. Must be where Buffy will be. T-to report and such. I’ll, um...” Realizing Giles wasn’t listening to his sputtered explanation, he moved to follow the others.
Giles remained in his position, squeezing his eyes against the pain. None of them had remembered. Not even Willow. How fickle youth was. If only he could forget.
Sighing, he straightened and headed for his office. He knew he wouldn’t see Buffy today. She, of all people, would want to forget what this day was. No, perhaps there was one other. Grabbing the dark jacket from his chair, Giles stopped to look at a photo on his desk. Shrugging into the jacket, he gathered his keys, and a bunch of flowers he’d bought at lunch time.
He didn’t have much time. It would be sunset in an hour or so. And he had a date. Smiling at Jenny’s sweet face, he left the library, turning the lights off behind him.
“Buffy! Wait up.” At the sound of her name being called, Buffy stopped and turned, letting the flow of exiting students ebb around her. She smiled to see her friends coming toward her. That smile dipped only slightly at the sight of her new Watcher trailing behind them. Xander was first to reach her. “Hey.”
“Hey. I thought we were meeting at the library.”
Willow fell into step beside her friend. Oz moved to her other side, as Xander took the final flank beside Buffy. Cordelia and Wesley took up the rear, the brunette ensuring that everyone knew who the tall, older man was with. “We were there. But Giles was...well...”
“Depressing.” Willow frowned across at Xander.
“Not depressing,” Oz the ever peacemaker. “Introspective.”
“That’s what I said. Depressing.”
Buffy frowned. “He’s been kinda not here all day. Maybe I better go see him.”
“No need.” Willow stopped the Slayer from turning. “He’s not expecting you. He just said to be careful.” She rolled her eyes. “Right after he almost asked us to do some research.”
Buffy smiled. “Almost?”
“Yeah. He was asking us what our plans were and everything, but when I asked if he wanted us to research, he said no.” Lines of concern crossed her forehead. “Funny. He seemed almost sad. Like he was expecting us to remember something.”
“Never mind Giles’ not-research party. Let’s talk about how wild we’re gonna get tonight.” Neither Xander nor the others noticed the softening of Buffy’s features, nor the tightening of her hands on her school books.
Giles made his way across the banks of flowers, enjoying the cool breeze as it ruffled his hair. The sun was beginning it’s downward arc, casting a warm glow across the landscape. He only had about an hour before sunset. Long enough for what he had to do. He stopped at his destination, smiling down at her.
“Hello Jenny. I’ve brought you some flowers. Not roses, but some wild orchids. They reminded me of you somehow.” He knelt on the ground, placing the blossoms against the headstone. He remained there, tracing her name in the marble stone. “What does one say at a time like this? Happy Anniversary somehow doesn’t seem appropriate. I’m sorry? Well, I’ve said that every time I come, so that isn’t special. I miss you? You already know that. “
A sound broke his reverie. Turning, he saw the old woman. Like himself, she came every week to the cemetery. They smiled at each other before she turned to the grave of her husband. He’d also been dead about a year. For him though, the fortune of having died from natural causes.
“Old Mrs. Hubble is here. I bet you’re giving Mr. Hubble hell right now. Telling him he didn’t appreciate her enough when he was alive.” He blinked back the tears. “That should have been us. The survivor coming here in twenty years time. Not now. Not before we had a chance to live. And not because of a death by such unnatural causes.” He wiped his eyes, trying to stop the bitterness. He looked up, knowing he’d failed.
“Time to change the subject I think. I know you’d be telling me off for wallowing in self-pity if you were here.” His fingers brushed the petals. “I ’m sorry I’m alone. I’d hoped the others would come, today of all days. But none of them remembered. Not even Willow. How easy they forget.” As was now habit, he continued as if she were responding to him. “I know. They’re young, and resilient. And I know they haven’t forgotten you. Not really. But, it’s like they all want to forget what happened last year. As if it’s easier to accept Angel if they brush over what happened to you. And we never talk about what he did to me.”
He stood, brushing the soil off his legs. “They think - She thinks I’ve forgiven him Jenny. I couldn’t. But what was I to do? He comes first for her. Always has, always will. If I forced her to choose, she’d choose him. And I can’t say I blame her. No matter how much it hurts. So, instead, I swallow my bile whenever he comes near, accept his help, and pretend all is right with the world. And inside, I die a little every time I see them together. And I weep for you whenever he smiles at her with happiness. She deserves her happiness and her love. But the cost to you and I was too great.”
He sighed. “Well, I’ve depressed you enough. I suppose it’s the date. Never mind. I see they took your vase away again. I’ll be back in a minute. I must find you another one.”
The sun had almost set as she made her way through the pathways. She’d put it off as long as possible. But she knew that she had to come sooner or later. Stopping at her destination, she looked down.
“Hey. I see he’s already been. Sorry about the vase. I didn’t mean for that vamp to fall on it the other night.” Kneeling down, Buffy placed her small offering next to the larger bunch. “They’re not much but Mom’s been docking my allowance to pay for the damage to the car.” She looked up guiltily. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned that. What with my Mom and Giles, you know.” She sighed. “I guess I’m just trying to avoid the subject as much as possible.” She gave a half-laugh. “You’re dead, and I still can’t talk to you.”
Finally succumbing, she knelt down, then leant back. “The thing is, it’s hard. For him without you. And with Angel back. I know that. We never talk about it. We never have. There just didn’t seem a need to. But I know what I did to him. What I took from him.” She looked up as if expecting an argument. “I know what he said. And you. But I am responsible. If I hadn’t behaved like an infatuated little girl, instead of the sensible slayer I’m meant to be, you’ d still be alive. And he wouldn’t be in so much pain. That’s why it was easy to forgive Angel you see. He wasn’t responsible. I was.”
Buffy wiped away the silent tears cascading down her face. She didn’t notice the older woman look at her with pity. Nor did she realize that she was no longer alone at the grave. She’d come for a reason. And that was all that mattered. “I haven’t been here since the funeral because I felt guilty. You made me feel guilty, even when you were alive. I wanted to punish someone. And you were the easy target. I’ve decided to grow up you see. And you have the honor of being the recipient of my new maturity. Bet you didn’t know I knew that word.” She smiled. The man behind her smiled also.
“He didn’t think anybody remembered. That we’re all so busy living our lives, that we’ve forgotten the dead. We haven’t. I haven’t. Willow will remember. About 10 o’clock tonight. She’ll start crying. Oz’ll see her. If the Dingoes are playing, he’ll just stop and go over to her. Xander will be in the middle of one of his lame jokes and suddenly realize. Then we’ll have about three days of a depressed Xander. Believe me, that’s worse than a joking Xander.” Giles resisted the urge to chuckle at her quip. “They’ll all be here tomorrow. You ’ll have so many visitors, you’ll probably wish we would go back to our normal lives. But it’s today isn’t it. One year ago tod...” She stopped, unable to go on.
Giles knelt behind her, his hand gently resting on her shoulder blades. “Buffy...”
She turned to him. “I’m so sorry. For everything.”
“Shhh.” He gave into temptation and did what he’d wanted to do for a long time. He gathered her in his arms. “Shh. It’s all right.”
She wept fully now, giving herself the release she hadn’t been allowed all this time. “I’m sorry. So sorry for the past year.”
He rocked her, murmuring soothing sounds, allowing her to pour out her grief. “I’m sorry for so many things. Including a lot of what has happened in the last twelve months. But not for all of it. And I’ll never be sorry for having you as my slayer.”
“But I hurt you so much.”
“You being here now takes all that away.” He pulled her from him, taking her weight with his hands. “Every day you make me proud of you. Prove that I was right to care for you. But today, I have never felt more proud. We can’t bring her back Buffy. Nor can we make the last year disappear. But we can let our experiences make us stronger. We have become stronger. Nothing can pull us apart now. Nothing.”
She looked up into his green eyes, seeing not pain or grief, but love and joy. Love for her. And she finally found what she’d been looking for. Absolution. He was right. They were stronger for it. And their relationship had survived and grown, in spite of what they’d done to each other. Her hesitant smile found an answering one of his own. She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “We’re never gonna mention this again are we?”
His smile grew. “No.”
“And we’ll probably never hug again.”
“Or cry in each other’s arms again.”
“In fact, we’ll probably go back to not really talking to each other at all.”
“Of course. Our relationship will seem to be it’s normal superficial self.”
“ I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
His “Nor would I” was gentle. As if noticing the outside world once again, he looked around. “Oh dear. It’s getting dark.”
“Well, I guess that means I have to get back to work.” They stood up together. Buffy looked down at the grave. “Bye Miss Calendar. I’ll look after him for you. See you next year.” She moved a few feet away from him, allowing his private goodbye.
Giles looked once again at the headstone. “Goodbye Jenny. Thank you for this final gift. Forgive me if I don’t come around as much in the future. We’ll be moving on soon. Once Buffy finishes High School. But you’ll see us both next year.” He turned to go, then hesitated before calling out. “Are you coming Mrs. Hubble? It’s getting dark.”
She waved at him. “On my way dear.” Miriam Hubble sighed as she watched the young man walk to the girl then take her outstretched hand. They walked together confidently, as if they were one. “I don’t think we’ll be seeing as much of that young man Hirum. I think he finally found some peace. It was so touching to see that sweet girl at the grave. Funny how at that age, you feel as if the world is on your shoulders. Looks like they forgave each other in the end though. I wouldn’t mind hearing their story.” She patted the headstone one last time. “Well, better go. He’ll be waiting for me at the gates. He does worry so. See you next week Hirum. Don’t chase his young lady around the headstones too much.”
A silent figure waited until the cemetery was empty of all humans. He’d arrived just before the sun had completed its decent, staying within the shadows. Thus he’d been a witness to the scene between the girl and man. Now, he moved forward to take their place. He bent to lay his flowers next to theirs. A dozen red roses. Bowing his head, he wept. The ground below him darkened with blood tears. The moonlight lit up the words on the headstone, highlighting the date of death. Exactly one year ago. In the breeze whispering through the trees, he thought he heard the words “Happy Anniversary.”