Speaking of which, where was he? "Rup - Giles?"
"Buffy." She turned toward the cage. "You can use my first name you know."
She moved toward him. "But it's not quite 3:30. What will people say?"
He smiled as she stopped before him. A quick glance showed they were alone. "To hell with them all." He leaned forward and captured her lips in a searing kiss.
When he finally released her, she took a steadying breathe before attempting to speak. "Why Mr. Giles. What would the principal say if he saw you now?"
"Lucky devil?" They both smiled at the image of Herr Snyder's reaction if he had witnessed their actions in the past couple of days. Giles suddenly became serious. He lifted his hand and stroked her hair. "Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?"
"Hopefully, as much as you mean to me." She leaned forward, enveloping him in a hug. She was so busy dealing with her own insecurities, she tended to forget about his. "God, I'm so lucky they sent you to me."
"Did you tell your mother?"
"No." She hadn't wanted anything to ruin last night. "No. I'll tell her tonight."
He pulled away. "Before you do, there's something I want you to read." He pulled a book out of his jacket. "You were upset yesterday. To find out I'd written about you and Angel."
"At first. But it's cool."
"No, it's not. This is my journal. I-Id like you to read it. And, if you think it will help, give it to Joyce."
"Rupert, you don't..."
His "Sh." stopped her. "Yes I do. I-I hope it will clear a few things up. For both of you. I-I've marked the page that deals with the loss of Angel's soul. If you wish to read the rest, I have no objection. If it's of any comfort, I don't believe Sylvia read more than a few pages past there."
She took the journal from him, holding it to her like the precious gift it was.
Joyce Summers looked toward her daughter. Buffy had been quiet all evening. She'd learnt over the past year not to push her during these times. She usually didn't like the answers. When she was ready, then Buffy would talk to her. Either that, or send in Rupert Giles.
Buffy continued toying with her dinner. She could feel the pull of the journal. It blocked all other thoughts from her mind. She turned to her mother. She could see the question in her eyes. "May I be excused?"
"Yes, of course." As Buffy got up to leave the room. "Are you going out tonight?"
"Later. There's something I have to read first."
She took the journal out of her bag, and moved towards the living room. She lay on the couch and opened to the first page.
'I met the Slayer today. At first, I couldn't believe it was her. So different from what I expected. And so angry. She denied her calling. It was unthinkable. I must persuade her that she is wrong. I feel that I have already failed. And my task has only begun. Surely, there was somebody more suited to act as a Watcher to this troublesome American teenager?'
'Angel came to me. I still feel nervous around him. He has helped us on occasion, and I can see how much he cares for Buffy. How much he loves her. Still, I cannot quite trust him. However, tonight the news he gave me is promising. He has the Codex. And has promised to bring it to me. At last. I will be better equipped to translate the prophecies.'
'The most horrendous thing. The Codex prophecies the death of the Slayer. At the hands of the Master. How can I tell her? There must be some mistake. I have sent a message to Angel. Perhaps he knows of some way to break the prophecy.'
'Tonight, the Slayer faced a new enemy. Eyghon. My own history returned. And it almost destroyed her. And Jenny Calendar. Two innocent people, endangered because of me. When Jenny was possessed, I could do nothing. My cowardice made me less than useless. Even when it threatened Buffy, I could do nothing. Except to offer myself in her place. At least then, I wouldn't have had to live with my mistakes any longer. As it is, Angel saved us all. My debt to him grows daily. How can I face them tomorrow? My failings have jeopardized them. I have shown them my weakness. How can they ever forgive me?'
'...The unthinkable has happened. Angel has lost his soul. Now we not only have the Judge to contend with, but also Angelus. We have lost one of our greatest allies, and gained one of the most feared vampires in history. Buffy was devastated. I don't know how to help her. I wanted to go to comfort her, but didn't have the courage. Once again, I have proven my inadequacy as a Watcher. Goddess knows what the next few days will produce...'
'..The Judge is destroyed. It was Xander who came up with the idea. We can only hope that he can never be raised again. I have found out how Angelus lost his soul. The curse had a let-out clause. If we had only known of this before, I could have prevented it happening. Now, it is too late. Now, not only has Buffy lost the person she loved, she lives with the knowledge that she was instrumental in the restoration of Angelus. I have also discovered that the gypsies sent one of their own to watch over Angel. It was Jenny Calendar. The devastation of her betrayal was indescribable. The one person I trusted with my secret, and she was using me all this time. In a way, the two women in my life have caused me pain this day. For now, all I can do is provide support for my Slayer, and give her what advise and assistance I can. I wonder if I should call on the Council to replace me with someone more suitable. Less involved.'
'Jenny is dead. Murdered. At the hands of Angelus. He left her in my bed. For me to find. I have never hated so much. I lost all logical thought. I went after him, and attacked him. I didn't expect to destroy him. I fully intended to die. Wanted to die. Buffy saved me. Made me realise my selfishness. How could I have been so blind? So lost in my emotion? I would have left her alone. She needs me. For all my failings, I am all she has. So, I have put aside my own feelings. My grief for Jenny. I shall become what I should be. A Watcher. Nothing more.'
'She's gone. I can sense it. My failure is complete. I betrayed the secret of Acaltha. Not by torture, but willingly. Wanting to believe what I knew wasn't true. And now, Buffy has left. Tomorrow, I'll start looking for her. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me. When I find her, and bring her home, I'll leave. Have a better Watcher replace me. One that she deserves.'
'I almost saw her today. I followed up another lead. As I got out of the car, I sensed a presence. I looked up, but couldn't see anything. A bus passed by. I now believe she was on that bus. So close. But I now know that she is on her way home. The route she is taking is pointing back toward Sunnydale. I have faith in her. I have not told the children. The possibility of finding her is all that's kept them going. I won't take that away from them.'
'Oz has gone. Supposedly some tour has been organized for his group. His leaving within a week of Cordelia is too coincidental. I fear that something, or someone, is behind it all. Willow is devastated. Xander tries to comfort her, but he is dealing with his own pain. Their search for Buffy is all that keeps them going. My decision not to tell them of my belief was the correct one. I only hope that when they discover the truth, they will forgive me.'
'I am all alone. Xander will be leaving in the morning. At least the children are all safe. I must now find out who my enemy is, and vanquish them. It will be the first time that I have done this alone. I only hope that I am strong enough.'
'She's back. And, as usual, has saved me from danger. My old 'friend' Ethan Rayne was behind the strange happenings over summer. The news of my arrest brought them all back to Sunnydale. Buffy was able to 'persuade' Ethan to confess. I haven't asked how. I'm not sure I want to know. I don't know what happened to make her leave. We will talk tomorrow.'
'Oh god! That poor girl. The restoration curse worked. Angel had regained his soul. But it was too late. He had removed the sword. Acaltha was awake. Buffy had to send him to Hell to stop the demon. How much more must she suffer? This isn't a calling. It's a curse. Her courage shames me. I couldn't tell her my own terrible contribution to this. She knows I told Angelus how to work the spell. But she believes I did it under torture. In my own selfish weakness, I couldn't bare to see her look upon me with disgust. I couldn't tell her that Angel isn't dead. How much harder would it be for her to know that he is still 'alive', but trapped in Hell, suffering the torments of the damned forever. At least now, after her time of grief, she may be able to put it all behind her. I only pray this is true.'
'Our old enemies are back. Spike and Drusilla have returned to Sunnydale. I don't know why. According to Buffy, part of her deal with Spike was that the two vampires stay away forever. They confronted us last night. Spike captured Willow. I thought we had lost her. And then Drusilla appeared. We were fortunate. I was able to use Drusilla to force Spike to release Willow. Unfortunately, certain things caused the children to be aware of how I revealed the secret of Acaltha. Once again, I underestimated them. They weren't disgusted. They were very understanding. I am so grateful to them.'
'My search has finally achieved results. I found the spell to open a vortex to Hell. It wasn't an easy decision to make. But I now realise that Buffy will have no peace until we can undo, at least in part, her actions. I haven't told anyone of my findings. It's a powerful spell. One that I can't work. And certainly one that's too much for Willow. If she knew of the possibility of saving Angel, Buffy would insist on immediate action. And of going through the vortex herself. No. For now, I'll say nothing. In the meantime I'll do a little more research. I have an idea. I'll need some help. And I know just who to call upon.'
'I met Whistler today. He is as odd a character as Buffy described. He knows I have found the spell to open the Vortex. He accused me of cowardice. Of failure. Well, these things are true. But not this time. I have been biding my time. Now, all is in readiness. Whistler has agreed to bring the others to me. All I have to do is persuade them to assist me. Tonight. If this is my final entry, then I have failed. And am caught in Hell. It cannot be much worse than the purgatory I face on this earth daily.'
'It worked. Angel is free. The things I saw. Felt. I cannot begin to describe them. I was fortunate that I spent such a limited time there. I would have easily been destroyed. How did he survive? He has disappeared. I believe it is for the best. Until we are all ready to face the past year. Buffy was angry with me. For taking such a risk. But I can see the gratitude in her eyes. And the hope. That alone has made it all worthwhile.'
'It has been several weeks now since I was able to bring Angel back from Hell. I have not seen him since. I know he and Buffy have seen each other occasionally. She doesn't talk about it to me. To protect me or herself? I do not know. It has created a rift between us. Ordinarily, I would want her to confide in me. In this instance, the less I know, the happier I am. We cannot go on like this, however. It must be resolved once and for all. '
'I saw Angel today. He was at the theatre, waiting for me. I don't know how he find out about my visits, but I believe I was expecting him. The confontration was long overdue. I could see the sorrow in his eyes. The guilt and grief. Yet, I still cannot forgive him. Instead, I told him the truth. The reason why I wished his soul restored. He wept before me. I think that, perhaps, that has finally caused some remorse within me. Either that or the look on Buffy's face. She was eavesdropping. She looked devastated. I was so afraid I had lost her forever. Instead, she gave up Angel. For me. I am so unworthy of this gift. But I shall cherish it forever. I will strive to become the Watcher she deserves.'
'Today, I learnt the truth. All because of a stupid Class Assignment. All this time, and I mean so little to them. Less than nothing. The pain. It felt so similar to when I lost Jenny. I have given everything to them. To her. And to not even be thought as someone who has influenced them. Am I such a failure? So without worth? I have tried so hard, and still it is not enough. Perhaps she'd prefer another Watcher. Another Merrick.'
'I read the previous entry, and I feel shame. So full of selfishness, and self-righteous anger. I was taught a lesson in maturity today. From 18 year olds. I went into that classroom full of hate. And had to listen as each of them described the most influential person in their lives. Me. It is truly humbling to know how much they care. Perhaps I'm not such a failure after all. Perhaps there is some part of me that is worthy.'
'My past has once again come to haunt me. In the form of Sylvia Milson. Why now? The look of pain in Buffy's eyes as Sylvia revealed our relationship. I wanted to go to her. To hold her, and tell her the truth. That there could be no other woman for me. I think that, until that moment I didn't know exactly what she meant to me. Not as a Slayer. But as a woman. I know these feelings are wrong, but how could I not fall in love with her? Her courage, her compassion, her capacity to care. I have accepted my love for her. But it shall be my secret. She will never know. After tonight, she probably won't want to have anything to do with me anyway. She'll call after her patrol. I intend to tell her the truth. About Sylvia, and the history of Watchers. Dear God, give me strength.'
'I have known true evil. In the form of demons and vampires. But that was pure evil. Other than Ethan Rayne, I have never known such evil to exist in human beings. Until tonight. Sylvia has guessed my feelings for Buffy. She intends to blackmail me into marriage. I must do what is best for Buffy. I just don't know what that is. I think she sees me as more than a Watcher. But what? And should I encourage it?'
'Tonight, for the first time, I feel confident. As both a Watcher, and a man. The final barrier is down. I fought hard against it, but Buffy fought even harder the other way. Naturally, she won. We have both confessed our feelings toward each other. After that, our being together seemed right. And her love gave me the strength to dispose of Sylvia. I wasn't proud of my actions, but she was a threat to Buffy. And as the man who loves her, and her Watcher, any deed that is required to protect her is necessary. I will sleep easily for the first time tonight. Without the guilt, or grief. And with a promise for the future.'
Joyce looked in on Buffy. She'd been in there for over two hours, reading that book. She couldn't help but admit, she was curious about it. She wondered if it was one of the Slayer journals Rupert had told her about. He said he wouldn't give them to Buffy until she was ready. Did he think her ready now?
The sight of her daughter's tears shocked her. Was what was written on those pages so tragic? The book was closed. Had Buffy finished it? Or had it become too much for her? She moved forward. "Buffy?"
Buffy looked up, wiping away the tears. "Hey."
"Are you allright?"
"Yeah. I just....." She looked away for a moment, then came to a decision. Rising, she moved toward her mother. "I'm okay. I have to go out for a while. To patrol."
"I'm not sure you're in any shape to go anywhere."
"I'm fine Mom. Really. Besides, I need you to do something while I'm out." She lifted the book. "I need you to read this."
Joyce looked at her in confusion. She was almost afraid to take the book off her. What was in it that was so important? So upsetting? There was only one way to find out. She placed her hand on it.
Joyce reread the final entry. She was in shock. Looking up at the clock, she realised her daughter would be home soon. She moved toward the phone, dialling the number she now knew off by heart.
It was answered on the second ring. Perhaps her call had been expected? "Hello."
"This is Joyce. I want you to come over now." She hung up before he could respond. She knew what she had to say. She would prefer to have to say it only once. It would be easier if they were both there together.
Buffy walked up the street toward her home. She wasn't looking forward to the coming meeting. How would her mother react? She wasn't even sure how the older woman truly felt about Rupert. They'd dated for a while, but then ended up as just friends. But did she still have romantic feelings for him? Would she be jealous of her own daughter? There was one way to find out.
A car pulled up outside her home. There was only one vehicle like that in Sunnydale. If not America. She hurried forward as the driver exited.
"Rupert? What are you doing here?"
"I-I received a strange phone call from your mother. She told me to come over."
"I gave her the journal. After I read it. Ruper, the things you wrote.."
"Are what I felt. Tha-at's all." He held his hand toward her. "Shall we go see what she has to say?"
They moved together up the drive. The door opened as they neared it. Obviously Joyce had been waiting for them. "You'd better come in."
She led them into the living room, indicating the couch. As they sat down, they saw the journal sitting on the coffee table. She followed the direction of their gazes.
"Yes I read it. All of it. What do you two think you're playing at?!"
"Mom!"
"It's disgusting. You're old enough to be her father! Her grandfather!" They both winced at that. "I trusted you. And you abused that trust! You're meant to be looking after her, protecting her. Not seducing her!"
"He didn't seduce me! If anybody did any seducing, it was me!"
"And that makes it better? He should know better! He's meant to be the responsible adult!"
Buffy had stood up by this time. They were both standing over Giles, shouting at each other. He wondered if this was how they 'settled' all their differences. "F-fighting with each other isn't going to settle anything."
"You think we should be reasonable and logical about this?"
He looked up at Joyce. "No. But saying things to hurt each other won't resolve anything. I don't want to do anything that will cause a rift between the two of you."
"Well, it's a bit late for that. You two drop this bombshell on me, then expect me to say I'm happy about it, and welcome to the family!"
"No, Mom. We don't. But it's real. And it's something you have to accept."
"And if I don't, then what? You run away again?"
Giles heard Buffy's sharp intake. He knew that hurt her. But he also knew the pain Joyce went through when Buffy had disappeared. He'd felt it too. And, he supposed, in the back of all their minds was the fear she would abscond again.
"I won't ever run away again, Mom." Buffy said it quietly, gently. Rupert was right. Her mother was in pain. Yelling at her won't make the pain go away. "If this is too hard for you, I may move out. But I'll always be here. And, I hope, you'll always want me as a part of your life."
Joyce looked down, hiding the tears in her eyes. She hadn't meant to say that. She'd thought she'd gotten over it. She turned away from them both. "I don't suppose I have much of a choice do I? But, I'm not happy about it. I don't know if I ever will be. You do have a knack of picking the wrong men to fall for." Sensing their objection she hurried on. "That wasn't a criticism. Just an observation."
Buffy wanted to go to her mother. Hug her. take the pain away. But she couldn't. She looked towards Giles. He nodded.
"I know it isn't much of a consolation, but I would rather she had fallen in love with someone 'more suitable'. But, I do love her. And I would not willingly do anything to hurt her."
"I guess I'll have to be satisfied with that." She turned back to them, more in control. "Just do me a favour. Be discreet. At least, for now."
They both nodded. Giles rose, and picked up the Journal. "I think it's time for me to leave. When you're ready, we'll talk some more." Joyce nodded in response.
"I'll walk you to the car." They looked toward the older woman once more, then left the house.
Buffy pulled Giles along the porch away from the path. "Well, that went well. Not."
"You have to give her time. She's feeling hurt. Betrayed. It's not unexpected."
"I know. I just thought she'd be more open, I suppose."
"Buffy. Not everybody is going to be happy for us. Most people will respond the way your mother has. And, they won't all come around. There will be many who will always object to our relationship. Expect us to fail. And Joyce may be one of them."
She stepped into him. "Well, we'll have to prove them wrong, won't we." She stretched up, kissing him. He gathered her to him, taking control. It was a healing kiss, helping both to release some of the pain from the past hour. He released her, and they looked ruefully at each other. "Come on. I'll walk you to your car." Neither noticed the woman at the window watching them.
Joyce wiped the tears from her eyes. She hadn't expected it to hurt so much. Seeing them together, like that. Well, she'd better get used to it. It wasn't going to go away, just because she wanted it to.
God, what a loser she was. So much for playing the waiting game. Waiting for him to get over his lost love. To turn to her for comfort and company. Now she'd lost them both. Kind of ironic really. Not only was her daughter the Slayer, she was going out with the man she, herself, was in love with.
Onto Crossroads #3: Stuff